like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
