Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
