can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
