i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
