I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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