im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
