During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
