dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
