I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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