Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
