Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
