Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
