cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
