Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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