I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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