I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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