My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
