i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
