her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
