I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
