Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
