Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
