I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
