this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
