Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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