Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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