Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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