I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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