life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
