I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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