Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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