on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This house was built for laser tag.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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