i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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