Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
