I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
two words...techno handjob
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
