I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
