last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My hand turned me down
I can text with my tongue
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
