Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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