My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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