I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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