I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
try to milk me bitch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
