were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
