My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
