Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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