he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
