I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
