Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
