gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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