a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
