Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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