***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
