We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
