my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
