Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
